Sadly, eye-makeup isn’t just for women and weird uncles who never marry anymore. Here is a retard’s guide to mascara for men.
| The Metrosexual |
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David Beckham brought this trashy european look to America, along with his alien wife. Sure it’s gay looking but if it gets you chicks it’s almost worth it. |
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| The Emo/Goth/Vamp |
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Take your pick, not sure which group of weirdoes this thing fits in, let alone what gender it is or is trying to be. Marilyn Manson brought this look out of the fringe and into your neighborhood mall. Try suiting up at Hot Topic and brushing up on this episode of South Park to not fit in. |
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| The Rock Star |
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David Bowie brought this look out of the closet for men who just wanted to appear to be gay for publicity purposes (sort of an opposite beard). The look caught on and in the 80s became almost normal until bad hair finally went out of fashion officially on 1999 when Fabio got hit in the face by a goose.
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| The Drag Queen |
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I’m not sure what the purpose of this look is other than trying to make homophobes too scared to get close enough to you to hit you. Devine made an almost career out of this circus look, but Barnum and Bailey would have paid better. |
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| The Athlete |
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What started as an attempt to block out the sun went mainstream about the time Braveheart hit the scene. Now athletes are writing in this things sort of like the chicks who get paintings of crap on their nails. This thing is uniform short of the previous list item, unless you have a sword in your hand and are willing to die fighting the British. |
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| The Ambiguous Asian |
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This look doesn’t really translate but if you’re one of the thousands of sporting puffy hair and think you are an amateur male model stop it. |
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| The Native Facepainter |
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This original male makeup look went away with illegal aliens from england, indoor plumbing and the introduction of alcohol. These are the fathers of this look if for no other reason than at least these guys actually were interested in breeding (except for that guy from the Village People). |
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| The TV Personality |
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It started with some blush and devolved into what killed Heath Ledger. Take exploding male narcissism and mix it with eye makeup and you have a deadly combination. |
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| The Butt Pirate |
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Captain Jack Sparrow has nothing on these pirates of pitching and catching variety. They combine good fashion sense, with shopping urges and extraordinary grooming so just thank god you aren’t competing from women with these guys. |
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| The Elderly |
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This isn’t the greatest generation, it’s the first wave of spoiled lazy children the baby boomers who go for this look. They all hoped they died before they got old and now vanity is taking over. Even Joe Biden is sporting this sad look. |
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What to wear?
Givenchy PhenomenEyes Mascara it was the first hit on Google and the less time you spend researching this the better – trust me. It claims that it’s: A revolutionary new mascara designed to grip at lashes starting at the roots. What it does: Givenchy Phenomen’Eyes Mascara perfectly curls and separates lashes. It has a high-tech, patented round sphere at the tip of the precision wand that reaches every lash and adapts to all eye shapes. It’s a Sephora exclusive and apparently didn’t kill lab rats.
They had me at Mascara, and this toned down look won’t make you look trashy like those brighter colors.