What conspiracy theory really killed David Carradine
Saturday, June 6th, 2009
The legendary grasshopper has passed, and all we can do is cry and wonder how a suicidal failed actor with addition and money problems could have possibly killed himself. There must have been a conspiracy and we have the ten most likely causes of David Carradine’s untimely death…
| Church of Scientology Murdered Him | ||
| David Carradine’s wife Annie Bierman is a Scientologist with close ties to leaders in the Church of Scientology. Rumors are spreading throughout the internet that a hit was ordered by the church because Carradine had secrets about the church and was about to go public with them.
Plausibility: |
1 | |
| Long Standing Feud With Chuck Norris | ||
| If Chuck Norris wants you dead — you are a dead man, woman, or vegetable. David Carradine’s girlish Thai Chi rants were finally enough for the most lethal actor of all time who snuck in and out without being seen (because he’s Chuck Norris).
Plausibility: |
2 | |
| Ninjas | ||
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David Carradine had mocked the secretive assassins for years in movies. Punching their kind in movies apparently one too many times a contract was put out by by villainous ninja led by the mysterious real life Purple Lady. Plausibility: |
3 | |
| Murdered by Psychotic Kill BIll Fan | ||
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Kill BIll is not just a movie with a somewhat successful sequel, to some it is a way of life. Fans around the world had sought to track Bill down and kill him even if he was just a 72 year old actor. So one this fan from England on vacation in Thailand saw Carradine she tracked him (or Bill in her mind) and killed him. Plausibility: |
4 | |
| Third World Hooker Asphyxiation | ||
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Outsourcing can leads to all kinds of quality control problems and Carradine may have paid for the cost cutting move with his life. Third world hookers may know how to live with a half a dozen STD’s but some instructions on safe asphyxiation just didn’t translate.
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5 | |
| Dick Cheney Believed He Was a Terrorist | ||
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Perhaps confused by a movie role where Carradine played a villain or just assuming that the actor was tied to liberals who support terrorists Cheney tortured the 72 year old actor. The harsh interrogation resulted in the death of the B movie actor. Plausibility: |
6 | |
| Mistakenly Believed He Was Supernatural | ||
| Perhaps as a result of decades of drug and alcohol abuse combined with mystical martial arts roles the 72 year old actor believed he had obtained supernatural powers. He believed if he were choked to death he would come back to life like John Locke from the TV show lost (he hadn’t seen the latest episode where it was revealed Locke was really dead yet either.)
Plausibility: |
7 | |
| Kung Fu Fan Tried to Take His Pebble | ||
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Some confused fan of the TV show Kung Fu attempted to obtain Shaolin master status by taking David Carradine’s pebble. When Carradine struggled the fan attempted to make the murder look like a suicide. Plausibility: |
8 | |
| Strangled Himself Accidentally | ||
| David Carradine accidentally killed himself while experimenting with a new Tai Chi method, accidentally choking himself and his balls to death.
Plausibility: |
9 | |
| Superhero Suicide Syndrome | ||
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Superman actor George Reeves and gay cowboy beefcake Heath Ledger were the first two to die of what TV psychiatrists are calling Superhero Suicide Syndrome. This sort of thing always happens in threes in Hollywood so David Carradine fills out our tragic trio. |
10 | |